30 Eylül 2009 Çarşamba

Failure?

I hate myself when my answer is "I don't know" when someone older and more experienced than me asks me something about what I want to do in my life and what I expect from the future. I don't think I have ever been lazy in my life. Actually what is lazy? Is it when you are good in your studies in high school or whatever and that makes you a hardworking person? I don't think so. When I was a teenage, I was distracted by many other things. Girls, Stanley Kubrick, Robocop and my grades were average but I was always interested in something. I did theater, acting because I just loved to act and to be on the stage in front of everybody. I was interested in learning other languages, I had additional classes to learn Italian and English at the weekends. But there was one thing that was very obvious. Film. Now people ask me everywhere this question. "What are you going to do?" And I say I don't know. Actually I know it. I know it from the age of 13. But I just don't know how to do it. There is one thing that I cant figure it out that blocks me do it. Or maybe I am just impatient. Or maybe I wasn't lucky enough to find the right companion so far to share my ideas with or to work with all the time. Or maybe I didn't made the right decisions at some point in my life. But that's okay I think. I am in this road now, and I dont have the intention to shy away from the hard work.
I hate when people criticize me because of my choices. Or I hate when people find me not appropriate for my choices. I exactly know what I am doing and believe me, I have thought about it just last night more that you did in your entire life.
I was very lucky to be in a workshop in Budapest last month where I had the chance to meet with film students from different places who share the same passion for films and filmmaking. Anthony Dod Mantle came to visit us and told us he didn't know what to do until the age of thirty but he never stopped trying and forcing himself to find what he is actually looking for in life. It is a path actually and it is a very long path. Last year, he won an Oscar for his work Slumdog Millionaire.
Now, people who know me very well, know that I was trying to get in a school for two years but I was unfortunate because I missed my interview for the application process. God, I worked so hard to get in that film school! Believe me, I did everything. Sometimes things just happens and you cant control it. There is nothing you can do about it.
I am now in a art school and I feel strange. People ask me "Do you want to become an artist or stay in the mainstream?" My answer is obvious. Mainstream!. It was decided before I was born before the time of the Alexander the Great before all the myths were created. But then they ask me this question. "Is there anybody you can work with at this school?" And my answer is I don't know.
Scottish born british director Alexander Mckendrick was a great film director. But in some point in his life he just couldn't work anymore. Because he just didn't like the way film directors had to start to promote themselves in Hollywood to get a job and he just didn't make any films until the day he died for twenty years. But in his second part of his life, he started teaching at the famous film and art school Calarts, in California. His teachings were absolute, sharp, fascinating and inspiring. He taught so many young filmmakers and he inspired them. I wish I could be his student. David Mamet, in some point in his life taught at Columbia. And we all know about Terence Malick who is a very famous professor in Harvard who contributed a lot to the motion picture making business only with his four groundbreaking films. Why do I tell you this? I don't know.
I was also very impressed when I met film students in this workshop. They didn't have any fear or they weren't stressed because of their choices. They were just happy to be in that profession and didn't really care about more than that. I mean how do you do that? Is it only me who thinks about everything to much more and feels stressed and I just can't handle it anymore.
I think I will have to finish this writing some other time but I don't know how to end it. By the way, Mckendrick used to say, if you have a great beginning for a story but don't have an ending, there is probably a problem in the beginning...